Women: Dealing With Sexual Frustration

From the petite young 23-year-old who works out obsessively, remains manicured, pedicured and coiffed at all times, carries herself with poise just in case; to the emotionally shut down wife in a 30-year marriage; or the single 40-something with a great career, amazing friends and a wonderful attitude toward life and herself, yet still, still, an empty bed – longings are left unfulfilled.

Whether it’s a long-term relationship that has become decidedly lacking in sexual interactions or a dry spell in a woman’s life due to singledom, sexual frustration can be painful, stressful, enraging and add to a myriad of concerns and negative feelings.

Just as we need companionship and camaraderie with others of our species, so too do we desire, long for, the arms of another to keep us, even if only for a night, safe, warm and pulsating with pleasure as a balm against the confusing stimuli of our daily lives.

The Marvin Gaye song “Sexual Healing” is a great promoter of this value; that our sexuality isn’t dirty or wrong but something we’re hardwired to turn to as a source of pleasure and healing. Ancient Eastern cultures use tantra and meditation to take sexuality into the spiritual realm, knowing its place in the pantheon of that which has tremendous potential to assist us in our search for higher truths, more insight into ourselves, connection with ourselves, others and the world.

While there are a plethora of articles, books and speculative summaries on how to get women into the proper mood for sex, there are less about how the negative impact of sexual frustration can lead to low self esteem and even depression in many cases.

In an interesting twist, the following article discusses the fact that women diagnosed with depression actually tend to have more sex than others. While this is not specifically in keeping with the perspective that a lack of sex can cause depression, it is interesting to note that many depressed women turn to sex as a means of alleviating the symptoms of depression.

Of course, using any outlet to self medicate as opposed to channeling one’s energy in a healthy way and seeking true help is not recommended, but the information is worth pondering nonetheless.

In the seventies classic “Our Bodies, Our Selves” there is a chapter on masturbation which praises the joys of this form of self-love as a perfectly healthy, acceptable way of not only getting in tune with ourselves, but alleviating sexual frustration as well. In 2010, there is still a taboo about masturbation. While we have more images than ever depicting wanton sexuality of every stripe, I fear many of us still cling to the idea that it is somehow less than ok to explore this dimension in whatever safe way we so choose.

Until the sparks fly with another person, dealing with sexual frustration can be a lonely challenge. Being good to yourself in profound ways such as creating art, writing, exercising, reading, getting extra sleep, masturbating, spending time with friends are all positive outlets for this frustration and can, as Freud speculated, sublimate the libido in order to help develop something wonderful outside of the bedroom.

Self-blame is toxic and leads nowhere, so staying away from these thoughts is powerful. Taking steps to move toward fulfillment is wonderful and, remember, sometimes the best things in life are worth waiting for.